My Little Scrubs Medicine Is Magic
by Bookman230
Summary: Sacred Heart is a hospital filled to the brim with quirky workers, from the daydreaming doctor JD to the lawyer sad sack Ted. But when the hospital gets a certain purple pony as a patient, it opens the floodgates for even more crazy to be let in.
1. My Little Prologue

Ah, Sacred Heart. A hospital with many names. Hellhole, the Loony Bin, Sacred Fart(My personal fav. That prank was _classic_!), etc. But, as awesome as Sacred Fart is, when you get down to it the second name is far and away the most appropriate. Don't believe me? Well, first you have me, JD, an unicorn doctor with a wonderful blue palette and a cutie mark of a stethoscope. Sure, a surgical knife or a defibrillator would've been more badass,but I am proud of my stethoscope! It's a classic! Anyway, while I have boyish good looks and an ass like firm mutton, there are some who would look on my constant journeys into my head as "weird" or "crazy". It's ok, voice in my head. They just don't understand.

Then there's my best friend forever, Turk. A pegasus with an intriguing green color that reminds me of a serene grassland. I could get lost in that fur forever... Where was I? Right! Turk's a surgeon who treats surgery almost like a game. He's a "jock" while I'm a "nerd". He has a badass surgical knife as a cutie mark. He's married to the beautiful sassy earth pony Carla, purple like... okay, I think I'm out of eloquent similes for today. She's purple, alright? Her cutie mark is a clipboard(See! My cutie mark isn't the lamest mark in this place!). Then there's my coworkers, the neurotic pegasus Elliot Reid(who got the generic Red Cross cutie mark) and my mentor, no matter how much he tries to hide it, the amazing unicorn Dr. Cox! Quick as a whip and as mean as a Slim Jim, deep down he has a heart of gold. He'd probably kick my ass if he heard that, but still! He has the awesome cutie mark of a defibrillator.

That's not mentioning all the supporting cast. We've got the perverted, double entendre spewing The Todd("That's not the only thing I'm spewing!" Oh god he's in my head! "Mind-bump!"), the depressing sad sack lawyer Ted, the insane Janitor who's made it his life mission to torment me, our two-timing outdated evil boss Dr. Kelso, and more! With all that crazy day in and day out, you'd think we'd be used to it, impervious to any insanity. But that was proven wrong when a quirky purple unicorn and her dragon assistant were admitted here, and her five just as quirky friends followed.


	2. My Little Crush

It began normally enough. There were the random patients waiting to be admitted in the lobby and Dr. Kelso tormenting Ted, this time by using Ted's toupee to wipe some mud off his ass. Classy. Carla and Turk were talking, Carla doing that leaning over the counter thing, so I figured it was perfect time to play one of our favorite games.

"Hey, Turk! Let's play Find the Saltine!" Turk, being the good bro he is, instantly accepted, and turned to face me.

"Dude! You know I'm always up for Find the Saltine!" Turk put his game face on, scrutinizing my body with the keen eye of a detective.

"JD! Me and Turk were talking about something important!" Carla never understood the beauty of this game.

"Pshh, no we weren't baby! We were just talking about sex!" Carla hoofpalmed for no apparent reason. It seemed to me like Turk had his priorities in order. He returned to scanning me, completely focused. I took that time to stick my tongue out at Carla. After all, we all know Turk would always choose me. He's known me longer after all. Turk's face lightened up, and I knew that to mean he had, indeed, found the saltine.

"On the left side of your tongue."

"Darn, I thought I had you that time!" I then gave the victor his spoils, the saltine was now his. A distinct ringing hit my ears. It was the sarcastic squeeing of my mentor, Dr. Cox, and a common segue to one of his trademark rants.

"Why would you look at the happy couple! And Carla. Playing that adorable game again? I bet at home it's a lot more risque. Hulk there probably lunges for that thing while it's still in your mouth, doesn't he Glinda? And I bet the location of that cracker is a lot more naughty, am I right?"

See, Cox had this way of shielding his true feelings by calling you a nickname, in my case a girl's name that constantly rotates or Newbie, and in Turk's case, Hulk for his greenness and his perceived lack of intelligence, but it really meant he loved you, or at least he loved me. He better not love Turk, or shit about to go down. I gave Turk a glare to make sure he knew that Cox was my mentor, and wouldn't in a million years be his. I threw my attention back to Cox.

"Anyway, I hate to interrupt you two's lovefest, really I do, but there's two new patients we've got to focus on, Newbie. Kelso did his usual intimidation spiel, and we've got to put all our attention on the Princess' student and her dragon pet. Sorry, that's not politically correct. Her dragon 'assistant'. Despite the fact that the dragon's been dumped on Barbie and the dragonology expert, Kelso still wants us to check in on that dragon too. First stop though, the student. Now, before you get giddy and ask Celestia to autograph your personal diary with her on the cover, Elphaba, she is sadly not here." Damn it. I really wanted that autograph. The other members of the official Celestia fan club, The Solar Empire, would be _so_ jealous! "But I'm sure you can gush about her wonderful luxurious hair and how she is such a powerful woman and a good role model for women everywhere with her protege. *whistle* Come along Belle." He beckoned me like a dog. For some reason, I always followed quickly. I paused to consider this, tilting my head to the left while I walked.

* * *

><p>"Come along boy! *whistle* We gotta check on miss Colgate!"<p>

I was a blue dog with black spots in a doctor's coat. _Awesome!_ We quickly made way to Colgate, where my acute animal senses picked up the beeping of the medical monitors. "Ruh Roh Dr. Cox! Colgate's coding!"

"Quick boy, what do we do?"

J Dog(that's my dog name, obviously) was shivering in his cute little doctor boots. "I don't know!"

"Well, can you stabilize her for a Dorian snack?" Cox asked, waving the illusive treat in my face. I immediately leaped into action, burping loudly in her face. Cue laugh track!

"Good boy, J Dog! I should've known your burp could push any patient away from the light!"

"Hehehehehe!" Then all the female dog doctors come up to J Dog. Cause J Dog gets all the bitches.

* * *

><p>"That would be an <em>amazing<em> TV show," I said to no one in particular. It would be called Dogtor, PHDog. I filed the idea right behind Dr. Acula. I should explain. I have a very vivid imagination, so to liven up the humdrum of hospital life, I go off into my own little wonderful world, where dogs can talk, Celestia takes me in as her own personal student, and I find out what dye she uses to get that wonderful rainbow mane. Anywho, me and Dr. Cox walked into the elevator as our patient was on the second floor.

As we waited in the elevator, Cox elaborated about what he said earlier. Sadly, it was not about how he loved me like a son and he only called me mean names so he could distance himself from his true feelings, rather, it was about his theme naming of the day. "See, I'm calling you the names of musical females. I find it embodies both your dramatic, overly sensitive attitude and your femininity. Plus, you singing while you pee still cracks me up." He flashed me a cheeky grin as the elevator door opened. So what if I occasionally burst out in song while I was alone in public restrooms? Who doesn't? It's so quiet when you're in there alone! I quickened my pace as we neared the patient's room. She was the Princess' personal student! She must have so many good stories about her! But when I entered the room I was blinded by her beauty. She was a sleek violet, her mane was a beautiful dark purple with lighter highlights, and her eyes glowed like the night. Plus, her cutie mark was so pretty and sparkly! Alright JD, play it cool. Just pick up her charts, learn her name.

"Twilight Sparkle? Huh. I bet you get jokes about that name all the time, huh?" She let out the cutest groan.

"Ugh, don't remind me. I _hate_ those books." Of course, Cox had to put in his two cents. With a girly voice. Why not?

"Oh, I _know_ girls! Those books are just so demeaning to women! Why, it's just _awful!_" His face hardened. "Now listen, our boss, the unrivaled Prince of Evil, so evil I'm positive he meets Nightmare Moon and Discord every Tuesday for tea and crumpets to brag over evil deeds and _wins_ every time, well, he has got us focusing on you because you're 'important,'" How _does_ he do airquotes without any fingers? "See, treating the Princess' student is a big deal. Imagine all the donations to the hospital from her. Kelso has no heart, it's all about the money for him, and I know your type. Smart alecky, entitled, superior. If we don't treat you juuuust right you'll try your darndest to pull some strings and get us fired. So let's find that likely two bit problem any hack doctor can find but you 'important' people saddle-see what I did there, horse puns are _fun_- on great doctors who are trying their hardest to keep sweet Mrs. Foster, who runs an orphanage for fillies and colts and isn't a heartless tyrant like you see in your books, from going under and breaking her poor little ponies' hearts. So please, cut out the pleasant small talk bullcrap and let's fix you up so we can save some real ponies." Cox has a _little_ problem with authority, if you can't tell. I was stunned, but I wasn't the only one. Twilight's eyes flashed with indignation and pity.

"Excuse me! I didn't ask to be coddled! I just want to be fixed up and get back to my library. But I don't want other ponies to suffer because of me. Please, if this is a small problem, then focus on other more serious patients. But don't rag on me for being sick when it wasn't my fault, for your boss for being a complete suck up, and for whatever trauma you've gone through that makes you need to rag on other ponies just to feel smart!" She huffed and crossed her hoofs. I couldn't resist.

"You go girl!" Cox sent me a death glare, but then turned to Twilight with some respect.

"Why, look at this, an 'important' patient with a heart _and_ a backbone! Why, I think I just might like you, Ms. Sparkle! Joanne, since you seem to be smitten with her, you read up on her and see what's up, then check on that dragon of hers. Now that I have permission from Celestia's faithful student, I'm going to check up on Mrs. Foster. Love and Tolerance, everypony! I'm a new stallion!" Cox then made his departure.

"Believe it or not, that actually is his nice side. He likes it when patients stand up to him."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, now that he's gone, let's talk a little. You already know my name. What's yours?"

"JD. Now," I started as I looked though her charts, "your charts say you suffered from a magical overload. As the Princess' student, you must have a lot on your load. Have you been stressed lately?"

Twilight shook her head. "I've actually been cutting down on my work. After a certain... incident of mine, the Princess suggested I relax a bit. My friends have taken up most of the spotlight lately. I'm just glad I was mostly alone when it happened. But Spike..." Her eyes saddened, and she looked down to the floor.

I placed a hoof on her shoulder. "I'm sure he's fine. And if he isn't, we will do all we can to make him fine. The key thing here is to remember that this is not your fault. These things happen all the time." Though not _quite _as explosively. Apparently, she left magical scorches all over that Everfree Forest area. Luckily that zebra was there to get her here. But still, _dayum_, girl! Anyhow, she faced me again, her eyes appreciative.

"Thank you, JD."

I nodded. "Well, I'm going to check these some more and get back to you." As I trotted through the door, she called out.

"Wait!" I turned back. She looked sheepish as she realized she had yelled. "Do you have any books?"

"I do have some Judy Blume books. I read them all the time-" Judy Blume books, really? You're revealing your sissiness JD! Abort! Abort! "I mean-" But Twilight just giggled.

"It's okay. I love them too! I swear, I don't think I would've made it through Magic School without them." I gasped.

"You too? I became the stallion I am today thanks to those books." She giggled again. Celestia, did I love that sound. "I'll make sure to get you some."

"Thanks, JD. I'd appreciate it." She had a lovely smile. I walked out her room "smitten" as Cox put it. Not that crazy yet, I know, but that's because her visitors hadn't visited yet. Her friends are _crazy_.


	3. My Little Visitors

I was walking on sunshine, baby! I had just met a cute new patient who was totally into me, was Celestia's personal student, loved Judy Blume books, _and_ curbstomped Dr. Cox! She was my dream mare! I felt like nothing could dampen my mood. Now, it was time to check on her dragon, Spike was it? If I could heal her beloved friend, I was _in! _As soon as I turned the hall though, *SPLASH*. It was Janitor time.

"How's _that_ for dampening your mood, huh? Or-or how's this one? It's a riddle! I know how much you love those! What's soaking wet and clueless? Your face!" The Janitor chuckled.

"Overheard that one outside the town's library. Now, _that_ was a crazy day. My mop decided to grow legs and run away. On a Saturday! For 15 years, she's only done that on Thursdays. Weird."

Exposition time. The Janitor is, well, a janitor, but that underscores the sheer evil and crazy that lies within. Ever since my first day when he had become convinced that a penny that jammed one of the hospital doors was mine, he has stopped to make my life horrible every chance he gets. His past changed every day; one day he'd have a father, the next day he'd be dead. One day he'd have a stepbrother who's older than his parents, the next a deaf sister. He's like The Joker, if instead of causing widespread anarchy and trying to kill Batmare, he spent his time harassing Robin with pranks. At the moment, though, I was more concerned with how he had _read my mind_.

"How-"

"Did I know you were thinking nothing could dampen your mood? C'mon, we've been over this. You're predictable, remember? And fun fact, I was once a rodeo clown. But instead of riding bulls, we rode parasprites. My best friend lost his head to one of those things. Tragic. The parasprite was cute as hell when she bit it off, but still."

"Interesting." I often drifted off during one of Janitor's lies. It was the safest route, and when you've heard one of Janitor's insane impossible stories, you've heard them all.

"Anyway, your face was red, so I thought it needed cooling down." Was I blushing? Crap! Play it cool, JD. Maybe the Janitor doesn't think it's because of a patient. "Soooo, you've got a crush on a patient huh?" Damn you brain! "Now, I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I'm a psychic. I know, I know, hard to believe. I want it kept on the downlow cause I like my privacy, y'know? Now, I'm going to see into your future!" I rolled my eyes. "Now," he began, rubbing his temples with his hooves, "I see you two getting together-"

"Really, Janitor? You think so? Thanks!" He rose one hoof to silence me.

"Silence! I was not finished! I predict you two getting together, _but_ for a short period of two days! In which time she will find out that you are an annoying sissy stallion and will use her magic to blow you up, causing happiness throughout all of Equestria! Huzzah! Ding Dong the Sissy Stallion is dead!" Then to finish the effect, he dropped his hooves, shook his head vigorously, and staggered. "Wooh, man, that took a lot out of me. Look on the bright side. Maybe the nerdy sex will be good. And now someday, there'll be a celebration through all of Equestria that's all to do... with youuuuuuuu," he sang out, patting my shoulder with his hoof and chuckling as he trotted away. I turned to him.

"That was a good musical! I am not ashamed of seeing it!" I shook my head at him, then as I turned, a pink pony was suddenly in my face! "Woah!" I yelled, tumbling to the ground. When I had gathered myself, I saw five ponies; an orange pony with apples on her flank and a Stetson on her head; a blue pony with a rainbow mark and a mane so brightly colored it could rival Celestia's; a yellow pony with cute little butterflies as her mark, who shyly used her pink hair to shield eye contact- _awwwwwwwwww_; a white pony with diamonds on her flank and a very well maintained mane- I'm positive I could see my own mane products in that hair; and last, that pink pony from out of nowhere with balloons on her flank and wild unkempt hair. She also had a mouth that ran faster than Kelso on Cupcake day at the cafeteria.

"I'msorrydidIsurpriseyouIdidn'_parties_butthisisn'tapartyisitand_wow_'!''-," at which point the cowpony mercifully interrupted her.

"Yeah, basically, she's sorry for surprising ya." Now to most ponies, what the pink one had just said would be unintelligible, but I'm a pony who has dealt with both Elliot Reid and her former mentor Molly, both experts at fast talking. You just have to slow it down a bit. This is what she said at normal speed. "I'm sorry did I surprise you? I didn't mean to! Well, not this time anyway I love throwing surprise _parties_ but this isn't a party is it? And _wow_ did my surprise make you sweat that bad! Now I'm really sorry because what if you have to pick up a scalpel and it goes *slip*! Right out of your hands and into somepony's stomach! How would a scalpel taste anyway would it taste like a plate because I've eaten plates lots of times and once Twilight had to shrink really small so she could get a plate out or was that a dream? Well, anywa-"

Now, in response to the cowpony, I said, "Yeah, I caught that," and then I faced the pink pony. "And no, this is not a party, this is water, not sweat, I'm a doctor not a surgeon, and I have no idea what a scalpel or a plate tastes like."

The rainbow pony looked impressed. "Wow, it takes most people _weeks_ to understand Pinkie Pie."

I shrugged nonchalantly, but inside I was thinking, _these ponies are impressed by you! Impressed! When was the last time a patient or her visitors thought you were cool? __Be smoooooooth_. "I've known plenty of motor mouths in my time. Now, I believe she mentioned Twilight in there somewhere, I assume you're here to visit her and Spike?"

The white pony leaped into 'drama queeeeen' mode. "Oh yes, dear, we are dreadfully worried abut dear old Twilight and poor little Spikey-Wikey! We came as soon as we heard!" Unlike most 'drama queeeeeen' visitors, who acted like this to put the attention on themselves instead of the patient, I could tell by her eyes that she actually _was_ dreadfully worried about her friends. As if the pink pony wasn't weird enough.

Anyway, I decided to give them a hoof. "Well, I was off to see Spike right now, so if you'd like I can take you there right now, then when you're finished with him to Twilight's room?"

The cowpony nodded. "That'd be mighty kind of ya. But look at us, being so rude to the doctor helpin' out our friends. We haven't introduced ourselves yet. I'm Applejack."

"Rarity," the white pony said with a roll of the tongue.

"Pinkie Pie's the name, parties are my game!" was thankfully all the pink pony had to say.

"Rainbow Dash, Best Young Flier in Equestria. Maybe you've heard of me?" I pointed to my horn and she embarrassingly realized unicorns usually don't keep track of flying tournaments.

"Um, Fluttershy_._" Ah, she was one of those shy quiet types. Many patients have a fear of doctors and/or hospitals. I've found the best way to disarm them is with a joke and a smile.

"Intimidated, huh? I understand. Who wouldn't be? I mean, just look at this manly hairstyle and my fearsome one-pack abs."

She let out a small laugh at this, and said, a little louder, "I'm Fluttershy." The other ponies looked at me with respect for managing to bring Fluttershy out of her shell a little while still being polite. Nice, I'm already in with the friends. Won't be too long before Twi is all mine.

"Well, it's nice to meet all of you. I'm Doctor Dorian, but my friends call me JD. Let's go check on Spike. I'm sure he can't wait to see all of you." With bright faces, they all followed me to Spike's room, where Elliot and the dragonology expert were just finishing up. We waited until they walked out the door. Dragonology expert(nopony knew his name) immediately walked the other direction, but Elliot stopped to talk.

She smiled. "Hey, JD! Are these Spike's friends? He went on and on about you guys." They beamed in return. "He's also _really_ worried about Twilight, so please reassure him, ok JD? He's _such_ a sweetheart."

"Will do!" I exclaimed with a mock salute before me and Spike's friends entered his room. He immediately sat up at the sight of me, concern on his face.

"You're JD, right? Is Twilight okay? Please tell me she's okay!"

I held up my hoofs to calm him. "She's fine, Spike. She was worried about you too, but thankfully I can tell her you're doing great."

Spike sighed in relief. "Yeah, I just have some broken ribs. My scales kept me from too much damage, and apparently my dragon healing should get me out of here in no time." Rarity practically jumped at Spike, glomping him.

"Oh, Spikey-Wikey, I was so worried! And how valiant, to think of Twilight before yourself!" Spike's face grew red, but whether it was from his blood circulation being cut off or from being so close to Rarity, I wasn't sure. I stepped in.

"Um, Miss Rarity? Broken ribs, remember?" She blushed as she let him go, the others chuckling at the display.

"I knew you'd be alright, Spike! You're a fighter all the way, my dragon!" Rainbow gave him a hoof bump.

"It's mighty nice to see you a-ok, Spike. I was worried sick," Applejack put in.

"It's great you're feeling great, Spikey! And since you'll be out soon, I can set up my surprise 'Welcome home, Spike!' party. Ooops! Except it's supposed to be a _surprise_,silly me. Just erase that from your memory, ok?" Pinkie Pie, who else, explained. Spike smiled.

"I'm glad you're feeling well too, Spike. Are the doctors treating you well?" Fluttershy asked. Spike nodded vigorously.

"Oh yeah! The dragon doctor guy didn't say much, but Dr. Reid was _hilarious!_ Man, she's the only pony I know who has just as weird stories as Pinkie Pie! And she's kinda neurotic, but really nice. She's like if somepony put Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy into one pony!"

He chuckled for a bit, before he continued with a smile still on his face, "Now guys, it's great that you all were so worried about me. But I'm sure Twi can't wait to see you guys, just like I couldn't! I'm fine, so go check on her and give her a big hug for me, ok?" Most of them nodded, with Pinkie giving a completely serious salute.

Unfortunately, I could not go to Twilight and give her that hug, as I was saddled(Dr. Cox was right, pony puns _are_ fun!) with Spike. Though he did seem like a cool dude, and maybe he'd put in a good word for me when he saw Twilight again. In any case, I made sure that the mares were ok. "Now, I gotta stay here and check on Spike. Are you girls sure you can find Twilight's room?" They all nodded, and as they left the room, I didn't even _think _the words 'what could go wrong', that's how positive I was that they wouldn't get into any trouble. But of course, things went wrong anyway.


	4. Her Little Accident

AN: POV switch time! This next several chapters will be a break from JD. This one is more serious than the previous ones, but the next one should bring back the humor.

* * *

><p><em>Twilight Sparkle<em>

I'm usually a patient pony. After all, research takes time, effort, and a lot of luck. But that means I'm still _active_. Right now, I'm passive, alone on this hospital bed, awaiting news of my prognosis, visits from my friends, and whether or not- whether or not Spike is okay. The same guilt that was plaguing me since I got here rose up again and I couldn't stop myself from seeing the accident _again_.

* * *

><p>It was supposed to be a normal trip to Zecora's. I was researching the Everfree Forest as a hobby, and Spike, being my undoubtedly number one assistant, insisted he'd go with me. I think he still felt guilty over the 'greed turning him into a giant dragon' thing. Oh, Spike. So he could be a little bratty sometimes. He was always loyal when you needed him to be, and that loyalty made up for his immaturity in spades. Anyway, we had stopped by the Ponyville cafe for a quick bite and then we were on our way.<p>

"Geeze, Twilight," Spike began, chuckling, "you really scarfed down your breakfast."

"Hey!" I said indignantly, "So I get a little hungry in the morning and get a mite too enthusiastic. Who doesn't?"

"Well, most ponies don't sound like a Griffon devouring a whale. I'm pretty sure I saw Fluttershy fleeing in a frightened fervor."

Against myself, I smiled and proceeded to lock him in a headlock, rubbing his head with my hoof. "Why I oughtta!" After a minute or two of his pleading, I let him go. "Well, at least you've learned my alliteration talents. I'm glad some things stick in that thick head of yours."

"Hey!"

"Just joking, Spike," I chuckled. I suddenly felt a rising pain in my stomach. I stumbled, almost falling.

"Twi!" he yelled, running to me, helping me keep my balance. "You okay?"

I nodded. "Just some stomach problems Spike, don't worry."

He smiled a little. "See! You gotta eat a little slower next time."

I barely heard him. The pain was getting worse. It was spreading out from my stomach into every corner of my body. I felt this before, on the day I had gotten my Cutie Mark. I had kept it in check ever since then, to make sure I never go overboard again. But I couldn't stop it this time. My horn and my eyes were glowing furiously. _No_.

"Twi? What's happening?"

"Spike! Run! I can't hold it in!"

But Spike could be too stubborn and loyal for his own good. "No way, Twi! I'm not leaving you like this!"

Dang it, why wasn't he leaving! It was too much! "**NOOOO!**"

A purple flash surrounded me, and it all went black.

* * *

><p>When I had awaken, Zecora was there, and explained she had found me and Spike there unconscious and rushed us here as fast as she could. Spike was still unconscious at the time, and even now I didn't know if he was okay or not. But he had to be, right? He was Spike, my number one assistant. Always there with a quick joke, always there to cheer me up after a tough day of bullying at the Academy. It was me and him against the world, and even now, with all these new friends, I still loved and valued his company with all my heart. But I had hurt him when I was supposed to care for him. I <em>swore<em> I would never lose my control like that again, like when I had turned my own parents into inanimate objects. I didn't know it could be reversed! And if it wasn't for Celestia, they could've be stuck like that forever! And even during that incident where I couldn't write a friendship report, nopony was hurt permanently! Just a few bruises!

But now Spike, dear Spike, was hurt by me, the pony he trusted most in the world. I hung my head. What type of pony could do that to another living thing, could betray the love that living thing had given her? I'm awful! I'm a monster! I should be banished so I could never hurt anypony again! I-

"Twi? That you?" I knew that voice. That southern twang. I looked up, and there AJ was, along with the rest of my friends. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity were all there, concern on their faces.

"Darling, are you alright? You're crying," Rarity pointed out. Was I? I honestly hadn't noticed.

"Crazy, right? What kind of pony would cry after putting her best friend in the hospital?" I croaked, agonized sarcasm dripping from my voice.

"Twilight," Fluttershy's serene voice cut in, trotting up with the others to my bedside. "it wasn't your fault."

"Yeah, Twi! These things happen!" Dash exclaimed, trying to comfort me.

"Oh, so Rarity, you must put Sweetie Belle in here all the time! And AJ, I'm sure you'd just love it if you were the reason Apple Bloom was in here. Dash, what if one of your practice sessions with Scootaloo put her in here, huh? Does that just 'happen'? Pinkie, could you just imagine if your party cannon injured Pound and Pumpkin? Those things don't just happen! He should hate me!" I was being rude and cruel, I know, but I needed to take it out on somepony. and they, like the wonderful friends they are, just took it.

Pinkie, hair down, tears in her eyes, said nothing but instead gave me the strongest, longest hug I've ever had. When she finally finished, I was stunned. "What was that for?" I asked.

Pinkie smiled a sad smile and said, "It wasn't from me. Spikey told me to give you a nice big hug for him, Twi, and I take my hugs very seriously."

As if inspired by Pinkie, the others knew just what to say. "See, Twi? Spike could never hate you. He knows it wasn't your fault. There's a reason he was the new Rainbow Dash, right?" Dash said, her voice trying to be nonchalant but constantly cracking against her efforts.

"Darling, he was worried sick about you! Why, first thing he asked JD was if you were alright. I have _never _seen him so worried before!"

"But-but he should hate me! I lost control! I should've been more careful, but instead I hurt one of my loved ones! I'm a monster!"

But AJ cut me off, voice stern but kind. "Now, Twi, I don't let anyone badmouth my friends, and that _includes_ my friends. Before you, I was all work, no play. The farm took up my life, and despite my love for the family, I felt alone, friendless. Saddled with the burden of the farm. But you, Twi, with all your lecturing and leadership, well, you showed me I didn't have to be alone. I could have friends and still work the farm. And thanks to you guys, the farm's doing better than ever before! Sugarcube, you know I'm the very Element of Honesty. So trust me now. I know this with all of my head and all of my heart. _It wasn't your fault._" AJ, honest to the end.

"And you could never, _ever_ be a monster, Twilight. Don't you remember that first day you came here? I was so shy, I couldn't talk to anypony, but thanks to you, I've become a better, more confident pony, and met the best friends anypony could have." Fluttershy, always so kind.

"I knew everypony in Ponyville, but nopony knew me. I was just that crazy Pinkie Pie. They loved my parties, but nopony could put up with all my energy for long. And nopony cared enough to help me with my sad spots besides the Cakes. I was always surrounded by crowds, but inside I was alone. But you could put up with me, Twilight. And you brought me to five ponies who could too, who loved me for me, energy ,depression, and all! If you're a monster, then you're the good kind. Like the Grinch!" Pinkie Pie, there with a smile.

"Before you, I was just loyal to myself. My whole life, ponies just pushed me around, and my friends always left me. I was rude, a little mean, hotheaded. And honestly? Still am sometimes," Dash chuckled, "but you had faith in me. For the first time, somepony had faith in me. Because you, fresh out of Canterlot, didn't know better. And I didn't want to let you down. Now," she kept trying to sound cool, but tears were streaming down her face, voice cracking and squeaking, "now I've got a real reason to live. Not for myself, but for you guys! Thanks to you, Twi, I'm a better, loyal mare, and I'll punch out anypony who calls you a monster! So-so knock it out!" Rainbow Dash, loyal to a fault.

"Darling, before you, I was merely a good designer. My dresses had class, looked good superficially, but below the surface they were shallow. Just like me." She let out a laugh before continuing. "But then you came in and suddenly inspiration! No longer did I live on the outskirts of life, now I saw all the world had to offer. I saw the plight of ponies beside me and I said no more! Now my dresses hold a story in them, whether it be mine or another's, and I went from a shallow fashionista to a generous, loving pony. And as much as I love credit, that was thanks to you, dear." Rarity, so generous.

I looked into their eyes and saw that they meant it. Meant every word. I burst into even heavier tears. "Thank Celestia for sending me here. I never knew how empty I was before until I met my best friends! I love you girls!"

A chorus of "We love you too!"s rang out. We shared the biggest hug we ever had, and I felt my guilt lift from my shoulders.

"Hot. Hold on, let me get my phone!" a random perverted surgeon standing outside my door yelled. Rarity magically shut the door and the curtains. Not even he could ruin this perfect moment. 


	5. His Little Frustration

AN: Change of plans, might be a bit longer before JD gets back in the fold. I'm thinking of giving each pony of the mane 6 her own chapter instead of cramming all of their stories into one. Guess I'll see when I get there. Anyway, this chapter's all about Cox!

"_Just _about that? I mean, I'm not complaining, but some boobage would be nice too!"

...Shut up Todd.

* * *

><p><em> Cox<em>

"Bobbo, you can _not_ be serious!" Bob Kelso has done many evil and/or stupid things, but he wouldn't do _this_ to the hospital!

"Oh, but I am Perry. These are the Elements of Harmony, bosom buddies with Princess Celestia herself! Do you expect-" He suddenly drifted off, his face looking like an old man with idle memories, fondly recalling the days when he strolled through Pangaea with his pet T-Rex, but to those who knew him, well, it was the sign of the perverted, depraved fantasies that only Bob Kelso could muster. I did the usual things to entertain myself while he was off in his happy place. I spat in his face, ruffled his hair, and the immature but nonetheless hilarious coup de grace, drew a mustache in the fine tradition of Dick Dastardly(a name that fit Kelso in more ways than one) on his face with permanent marker. Finally, he snapped out of it, shaking his head as if to clear those wicked thoughts. Course, he'll probably tell whatever Zebra chick of the week to reenact said fantasies the best she can. Anywho, back to Bobbo.

"Sorry, I was just thinking of those six young mares snuggled up with that foxy Princess Celestia."

"I figured, Bob."

"Do you think they get naughty, Per? I mean, they have to, right? What's the point of having all of the Elements be female if they don't make some private harmony, am I right?" Then he did that _awful_ chuckle of his and lightly tapped me on the shoulder with his clipboard.

"Totally agree, sir! Air-bump!" The surgeon with the maturity level of a Parasprite put in, apparently too busy trying to see through blinds to walk the short distance to physically commemorate the bond of two disgusting beings.

"Maybe later, sport. Now, what were we talking about?"

It took all of my effort not to unleash all of my most evil fantasies on him. Here's a sample!

* * *

><p>Bob Kelso, struggling against his ropes, was lowered into the sea in a cage. With scuba gear on, of course. I didn't want his suffering to end <em>too <em>quickly, obviously. I watched with a smirk on my face from my ship, the SS Red Wings, at the pain he was about to endure. You could vaguely hear giggling from below.

"What the hell is down there, Perry!"

I grinned a wicked grin. "You'll see Bobbo! You'l see!"

Lowered in, there is a pause of complete and utter... silence. Then-

"Shoop-bee-doo-shoop-shoop-bee-doo!"

"No! NO! I thought they were a myth! Captain Megan was denounced as a loon when she wrote about them! NOOOOO!"

Then, the abominations would show themselves. Deformed seahorses with the head of a pony, they sang a utterly _awful_ song to all who heard it. If you merely _saw_ someone hearing it, however, it was a _delicious_ piece of schadenfreude.

"Helpful as can be ponies - simply signal SOS  
>If you find you're past the drift and haven't got an oar (oar)<br>Count upon the Sea Ponies - they'll see you to shore  
>Shoop-bee-doo-shoop-shoop-bee-doo"<p>

"No, Perry! This is too far! TOO FAR!"

Wait until he heard the special guest!

"Mares and gentlestallions, here to sing with us today, Hoove Jackstallion!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" he'd scream as I cackled.

* * *

><p>Please, understand. I know that is the most awful thing you could imagine happening to another pony being, but I'm not a bad pony, and Kelso is <em>not<em> a pony being. He brings out the absolute _worst_ in me. Anyway, for a reason that eludes me even now, I instead decided to remind him of our 'discussion'. "We were talking about giving Poindexter's(my nickname for that unicorn student of Celestia's) friends free rein-damn, I'm on a _roll_ with the horse puns today- of the hospital!"

"Oh, that. They're staying. What do you expect me to do, Per? Risk the ire of the Princess and the 6 ponies who turned the last guy to piss them off into stone? Better safe than sorry."

"But Bob-"

"Hey Per? Who has four hooves and doesn't give a crap?" He then lifted his hooves and pointed at himself. Ugh, I _hate_ this 'gag'. "Bob Kelso. You must be getting forgetful in your old age. We've met twice before!" He then sauntered off, that cocky grin plastered on his face. I growled before heading to Poindexter's nearby room, where the boneheaded surgeon from before stopped me.

"Hey, Cox, you going in there? You mind taking my phone with ya and photographing them for me? Totally hot group hug in there. I can't _rein_ myself in, you know what I'm saying?" He said with a wink. Ugh. "Horse pun-bump!" I, like, _totally_ left him hanging there, dudes and dudettes, but I had a plan.

"Sure, I'll take your phone."

"Really? Cool." He brought his phone out and handed it to me. I then proceeded to throw the phone into the Janitor's bucket of water, where it made the most satisfying sizzle sound.

"Never steal my horse puns."

The Janitor threw in his one cent too. "Hey, The Thing! Looks like your phone just lost all of it's... HORSEpower! Eh? Eh?"

I shook my head in disappointment before _finally_ getting into Poindexter's room. Looks like The Thing was right. They were sharing a heartwarming group hug. Obviously they just had a moment that will forever strengthen their friendship. Weeeeeel it looks like it's time for Dr. Cox, Moment Killer!

"Is this the part where you all start making out? I guess the rumors _are_ true!" They quickly let go of the hug, all of their faces looking completely red. Ah, how I loved other ponies' embarrassment, fear, and/or shame.

Poindexter let out a quiet sigh. "Great. You again."

"Yup! What, did you think your little show from before scared me off forever? Well, just between you and me, I did spend quite a while in the Janitor's closest, weeping about why nopony liked me and why did my life go wrong and waaah waaah. Orrrrrr are you disappointed Newbie isn't here? I bet the next time I open this door, the two of you are going to have kinky nerdy sex right on this bed, huh?" She blushed furiously.

The rainbow one got mad. "Hey! Quit picking on her!"

"Ooooh, I'm gonna back down right now cause your rainbow colors are _so _intimidating! Quiiiiick question though. Are the rainbows showing you're proud of who you are or is it a hiding in plain sight kind of thing? If the first, you _go_ girl! If the second, don't worry honey, your friends won't judge you. And who knows! Maybe they feel the exact same way and you'll all have that great big orgy you've always dreamed of, Ellen." Despite the fact I was looking at the mares, their faces all filled with a _tasty_ rage by the way, I could literally _feel_ The Thing ready to comment behind me. "Go. Away. _Now._"

He gulped. I mean, really, who gulps in real life anyway? "Gotcha."

I decided to intercept any of the other ladies' statements as I was already growing bored of them. "Congrats, my little ponies! Due to Kelso fearing that either you'd turn his ass to stone or Celestia would, such good PR you guys have, not that I wouldn't like to see Kelso turning into stone. Anyway, you now have freedom to go anywhere in the hospital you please! Isn't it great to be 'important', Poindexter? I'd say Celestia help us all, but considering you're her student that would be an even bigger waste of time than usual," I finished before trotting off.

Celestia, I hate this place.


End file.
